Yes, that’s right: I graduated from Saint Xavier University. Today was the ceremony in which I got a fancy diploma holder (but not the actual diploma). I also got to put on a gown that made me look like a real wizard. And that hat all the graduates have to wear is so ridiculous that we may as well have all been Pokemon trainers.
But that’s not really the topic I want to discuss. I’m sure, if you really looked, there is no shortage of college graduates that would love to tell you all about how they graduated Summa Cum Laude (cough cough), but i have a more interesting story to tell. See, my graduation ceremony had a few notable interruptions.
First and foremost, the processional was long and obnoxious, but that wasn’t the important part. As with all big ceremonies, the whole thing can’t kick off until someone sings the national anthem. And I’ll be honest, this girl had a really good voice; I don’t think the school could have picked a better person. The quality of her voice was only matched by her resilience – the wherewithal to continue singing, without breaking stride, even as one of the deans straight up passed out.
I wasn’t quite paying attention to the introduction of all the education wizards on stage, but right in the middle of the Star Spangled Banner, one of the ladies just fell to the floor. And that girl just kept singing, even as security radioed for help, other teachers anxiously tried to do something besides look shocked, and eventually some health people brought in a stretcher to take her out on. I won’t make jokes, because that’s sad (but she is alright, just so you know).
You might think that this was enough of an event to make the ceremony a little more memorable, but fate wasn’t quite done. It was a beautiful day, and in fact still is (if it wasn’t for allergies punching me in the face, I’d be out there right now). Despite the weather, the ceremony was held in SXU’s gymnasium. That seems like a good idea, because even in the event of, oh, let’s say rain, the ceremony can go on without a hitch. Too bad, then, that when the student speaker was giving her speech, the fire alarm went off.
Okay, well not quite. Strangely enough, though, as that student was on stage, the lights began to flicker and the fire alarm bell rang for a shrill second before everything went back to normal. Of course, she was less prepared than the singer, so she had a notable break in her speech and a look on her face that said, “No. Fucking. Way.” We all had a good laugh and she continued her speech. Actually, that is one thing I really need to make a comment on. This is the first graduation ceremony I’ve attended in which all the speakers (and there were a number of them), had interesting and relevant speeches.
But the interruptions didn’t stop. I can’t quite remember at what part of the ceremony this happened, but that’s mostly because I was too busy turning around and staring to care about what was happening on stage. This is how I saw it. There was a stern-looking mother and her asshole son sitting in the crowd. Said asshole was fooling around on his cellphone and apparently making such a ruckus that the meek and humble family behind them were starting to get a little annoyed. So, not wanting to simply kick the asshole in the back of the head, the meek mother tapped the boy on the shoulder and presumably told him to stop interrupting the ceremony. It was at this point that the mother of the asshole went Super Saiyan on her and began yelling, “DON’T YOU TOUCH MY SON!” Those were literally the only words I heard her say during the entire five minutes in which she wouldn’t just shut the fuck up.
Seriously, how conceited and self-righteous do you have to be to think that you’re justified in freaking the hell out during a graduation ceremony? Especially when your son was clearly being an asshole. Then again, he had to get the genes from someone; it’s not too difficult to guess from whom. Thankfully, security relocated her but presumably denied her request for a foot massage and in-flight movie.
I would be happy to say that the rest of the ceremony went on without so much as a hiccup (minus the crying babies that somehow squirm their way into every event in the history of ever), but all that means is… the rest of the ceremony was kind of boring. But I graduated, so there’s that.